Part 14

28.

At about end of May, JEE results were announced, and I didn’t even bother checking it. Uncle had called me to ask about the result, and had slammed the receiver of the landline on hearing it. The rumours of the declaration of the boards result had started spreading like wildfire. That meant that the ‘date of announcement of result’ could be announced anyday.

I carefully typed in my roll number in. With every key I pressed, my heart beat rose in leaps. I finally typed in the last character and hammered the enter key. The page took a while to get loaded, but when it did, it took me just one look to realize I was over, screwed badly. FUCKED!

I had barely scored about sixty five percent. I hadn’t really expected it to be this bad, had atleast expected above seventy percent. But I was going through a worst phase of my life.

That day I was outright inconsolable. I had locked myself in my room and ignored my moms plea to eat or drink. It took me about two days to get over the greief and the mourning. That’s when I decided to pay the guys a visit. Their condition wasn’t much good either, but they were happy to clear the exams. So I landed at Atul’s place and called him over. We walked towards the playground. As we neared it, I saw a weird hairy and bearded guy about a hundred metres away rushed towards the tomb next to the playground.

‘Lagta hai bande ki appointment hai aaj gumbad mein,’ I scoffed. The tomb was notorious for couples making out there. There was wild weed growing all around it and it was unlikely anybody would go there except couples and the addicts to have a smack.

‘Mujhe to lagta hai sutta marne gaya hoga. Saala lag bhi raha tha charsi!’ Atul chuckled. As we neared we both peeped into the tomb out of curiosity, and what I saw almost knocked me out.

‘Oo bhenchod. Wo to Sabinah hai na?’ Atul spoke with absolute disbelief.

‘Haan bhen ki choot. Wahi hai.’ I nodded. At a distance I saw Sabinah and the guy snogging each others lips out.

‘SON OF A BITCH!’ I shouted and stomped away.

‘Lol. Adi. No comments.’ Atul chuckled. ‘Adi I told…’

‘Shut up. Nobody likes an ‘I told you’.’ I yelled back.

‘Cool down Adi,’ He laughed.

…………………………………………….

‘Bhenchod bura waala kaat diya usne mera to,’ I complained again. We guys were sitting at the play ground. Atul had narrated everyone present there my sob story. Everyone was having a  laugh except me.

‘Saale kitni baar bola tha tujhse chutiye.’ Atul said. ‘Tune apna dharma tak bhrasht karwa liya uske piche.’ Bloody bitch was having a laugh of his lifetime.

‘Adi thik to hai na,’ ABIG added another sarcastic comment.

‘Haan bhenchod. Lelo maze.’ I yelled.

‘Koi na bhai. Ab to padosan be try maar hi de. Frustration relieve ho jaega.’ Sarth said.

‘Pata nahi yaar. Mera to buraa waala kaat ke chali gayi wo. Bhenchod uske alaawa kisi bandi ke bare mein na socha.’ I complained.

‘Ab tu hai hi chutiya to usmein uski kya galti.’ Atul replied.

‘Bhenchod tu bade maze le raha hai saale,’ Sarth poked Atul’s fat belly.’Adi needs our help right now.’

‘Chal saala tharki hai. Ek din mein dusri bandi taadne lagega.’ Atul replied. ‘Bol Adi tere liye kaunsa sad song chalau abhi,’ he added.

‘Honey singh baadshah chala de,’ I replied.

‘Bhai wo to nahi hoga. Tu KIM sun EMINEM ka. Ye bhi faad hai,’ He tossed his mobile at me with words like ‘BLEED BITCH BLEED’ blaring out of the speakers.

Everyone was having a good laugh about the matter, and soon I joined in the joke, somewhat. But deep inside something had snapped in me. It wasn’t infatuation for Sabinah. It was the EGO, the PRIDE. The betrayal of Sabinah, the rejection had finally made me realize that I had ego somewhere in me, which was sleeping earlier.

…………………………………………..

A week later, I was awaked by the ringing of my cell. It was Nayan.

‘Bhai AIEE ka result aagya.’ He sounded breathless.

‘Kya baat kar raha hai,’ I suddenly was wide awake.

‘Haan be. Check kar! Jaldi.’ He said.

‘Tera kya raha result.’ I aksed.

‘Wahi check kar raha hun. Abhi site khul nahi rahi.’ He replied.

‘Chal fir main dekh kar tujhe waapas call karta hun.’ I hung up and rushed towards the computer.

It took a while for site to get loaded. But after much of unsuccessful tries, I finally was able to access my result.

‘Great! Fucked here too.’ I thought. I had secured about One lakh fifty thousand rank. Nothing worth talking about.

Five minutes later my phone rang again.

‘Haan bhai,’ I picked up.

‘Kya raha.’ He asked.

‘Bhai chud gaya!’

‘Bhai main bhi. Seventy thousand rank hai.’ He replied.

‘Meri teri double se bhi zyada hai. Dedh laakh hai.’ I replied.

‘Ab kya plan hai yaar. Ismein to dono ko koi dhanka college nahi milega. Government to bilkul bhi nahi,’ He asked the million dollar question.

‘Pata nahi yaar. Kuch socha nahi.’ I replied. To be honest I was defeated. I was brutally murdered at every aspect. From studies to love.

‘Bhai drop ka socha hai,’ He asked.

‘DROP? Yaar firse ye sab bilkul nahi hoga. Saala jo do saal mein na ukhaad paye wo ek saal mein kaise ukhaad lenge. Ab to pura saal bhi nahi bacha. Aur abhi IP ka exam ka result bhi baaki hai.’ I replied.

‘Chal bhai. Lagta hai abhi is baare mein baat karna thik nahi. Baad mein call karta hun. Bye,’ He said.

‘Chal bhai. Bye.’ I hung up and when back to my chamber. My two years were finally catching on me. All the time wasted, all the ignorance were taking its toll. No need to mention uncle weren’t pleased much about the result. But he didn’t speak about it to me. I guess he too had finally given up on me.

A fortnight later, Ip result was announced, and my condition wasn’t any different in that as well. That night Nayan called again.

‘Bhai kya rahi IP ki rank?’ He asked.

‘Bhai bhot bekar. Teri kya rahi?’ I replied in a tired tone.

‘Bhai meri to achchi rahi rank. Fifteen hundred,’ He said.

‘Faad be! To fir tujhe ab drop karne ki zarurat nahi.’ I replied.

‘Bhai wahi baat karni thi. Maine bohot socha ki college lu ya drop karu.’ He said in a serious tone.

‘Haan to kya socha? Bhai faad college to mil jaega IP university mein.’ I replied.

‘Bhai wahi hai. Par bhai mujhe nahi chahiye. Agar main drop karunga to mujhe itna pakka pata hai ki is baar main IIT ya DTU atleast to crack kar hi lunga. Aur maine dekha hai ki chutiye chutiye se log bhi nikaal lete hai.’

‘Sahi hai yaar. Maine to kuch socha hi nahi abhi tak,’ I replied. Each of us had our shares of problem to burst our brains on, like a beggar trying to gather a meal, and a Ambani trying to reach new heights. In this case, I was the beggar and he was Ambani.

‘Bhai wahi. Drop ka kya socha?’

‘Bhai drop ka pata nahi. Socha nahi kuch bhi. IIT to bhot dur ki baat hai,’ I replied.

‘Bhai teri tenth mein kya percentage thi?’ He asked.

‘Ninety thi. Kyun?’

‘Bhai meri Ninety four thi, aur apni class mein Kavita ke bhi Ninety four the. Aaj wo IIT mein baithi hai wo bhi CS branch. Tu tujhe ye kaise lagta hai ki IIT tere liye dur ki baat hai,’ He asked. This point of his castled me. Really he had a point there. I had never really considered that I would be able to clear IIT, from the inception itself. It never really occurred to me how much I had been hurting myself. I had never really tried, cause I never really had the confidence, the self belief that I could do that. The first step was itself in totally opposite direction. Ofcourse the result was going to be a disaster. But the damage was done. I was very uninspired and tired to have a go again. It would take a huge effort to get me going again, definetly more than a normal counseling.

‘Bhai pata nahi. Mujhe nahi lagta ki main kar paunga. Tu karle drop.’ I replied

‘Chal koi na yaar. Achcha hota agar tu saath karta to. Chal koi na.’ He said in disappointed tone and hung up.

Two days later a cousin of mine was on a visit with his friends . He worked in a multinational company in Gurgaon itself as an engineer but rarely visited due to the tight schedule. On his visit, he had called me for a chat. I got seated next to him as his friends munched on snacks.

‘So what have you planned for the future?’ He spoke with a tinge of sarcasm in his tone. Ofcourse he knew my results. All the relatives have a habit to call at the time of results.

‘I don’t know. My friend was talking about dropping. Maybe!’

‘Okay so you are considering drop!’ He laughed. ‘So you are going to clear IIT!’

I sensed the clear taunt.

‘Give me a pen and a paper. Let me write it down that it will be the biggest mistake of your life.’ He said.

‘There are few guys who have succeeded.’ I contradicted.

‘Look. This is India. There are millions of examples. I can show you ten who haven’t succeeded.’  He said. ‘You know what, a man should know his worth. What he can do and what he can’t. I have never seen a guy clear IIT in a year when he had secured a rank in six figures in first attempt.’

I could not understand the whole point of his discussion. Was he trying to show how worth less I am? Was he trying to prove his superiority over me? Or was he trying to show off in front of his friends his importance and stature among his relatives? Definetly he was working a good company, earning a high payload, but thanks to his father. He was admitted to a good college without even facing the grind of the exams. All the work was done by his father, who had enough means to get him into a good college. I decided just to hear him out.

‘More over, you have no idea how much a year is important. You can never afford to waste a year. You are stopping you professional growth by that. There was one of my friend who had scored Ninety eight percent in twelth, but couldn’t clear IIT even in three attempts. See IIT is no cake walk. It is a league of elite students. These are gifted students. You know them when you see them.’

He clearly meant that I could not clear IIT in my best dream. The way he spoke, his tone, was really pissing me off. How could he even judge me when he doesn’t even know me a bit. Just because my twelth results are not worth talking about, he has decided I wasn’t any worth it. His every word motivated to do the OPPOSITE, and prove every word of his wrong. That very instant I wanted to shatter his arrogance. My achievements just didn’t compliment my thoughts at the moment.

‘It is better you should try to discover your strengths and work upon them, rather than running a rat race. Either be the first rat of the race, or run in the opposite direction. Only then you could hope to get noticed by the world.’ He was finally over with his speech and decided to leave. But he had done to me what not even a million counselings could have done. I had a sudden burning feeling to prove him wrong, a great rage inside. I had done with being a loser. I was done with having people making fun of me. I had earlier been complimented of not having an ego. But now I realize I did have an ego. It was alive and kicking somewhere in me, finally. All the pent up rage that was building inside me since a long time had suddenly exploded. From  Safdar to Sabinah, everything had started stinging me like never before.

The next day my uncle was on a visit to Gurgaon. I had to talk to him. I could not take any decision without his consent.

‘Uncle I need to talk to you,’ I spoke as soon as I got the opportunity.

‘Go ahead.’ He said.

‘I want to say I want another shot at the IIT.’ As soon as I did so, he turned his eyes to me. I could see clear disappointment on his face.

‘I don’t know. You had two years. You couldn’t do it. I tried to arrange everything I could for you. I tried everything so that you don’t feel the absence of your father. I tried everything!’ He said. Really I had let him down. I had let my mom down. I had let everyone down who had faith in me. My uncle had tried to do everything he could for me, things he had not even done for his own kids. I also had responsibilities for my mother, my brother. All I did was think about myself, cry on my petty issues and ignore that other lives too depend on me. I had let everyone down!

‘I know. That is why I want another chance.’ I pleaded.

‘Look if you feel you can’t do engineering just leave it. Do what you have interest in. Do what you want to. I have no problem.’ Had he said that sometime ago, I would have readily agreed. But now it was different, I was different.

‘No. I want to go for IIT.’ I said firmly.

‘Okay. If you want to, go ahead.’ He nodded.

I walked out straight away and called Nayan.

‘Man I am in.’ I said as soon as he picked up.

‘In what? You dropping?’ He asked in excitement.

‘Yes. I am!’ I replied.

‘Great man! Absolutly great!’

‘Yeah!  I know.’ I nodded.

‘Definelty we won’t fail this time.’ He said.

‘Failing in not an option man! There is a lot riding on it! A lot.’ I replied.

‘Right! I will see you next week for the registration the the coaching institute.’

‘Done! Will be there.’ I replied and we hung up. There is one more thing I wished to do. I dialed up a number and called Sarth.

‘Bhai daru ka plan bana.’ I said.

‘Kyun? Achaanak se? Koi baat?’

‘Haan. Bas tu jaldi plan bana. Main finance karunga saari daaru!’ I replied.

‘Aisa kya hogya bhai achanak se?’

‘Bas bhai. Lambi kahaani! Bas yu samajh le leaving the past behind! ‘ I replied.

‘Chal fir kal hi karle. Atul ka ghar khali hai.’

‘Chal sahi hai. Kal milte hai. Bye.’

………………………………………………………

The next day I drank to my hearts content. Drowned over five packs of Vodka, then threw open my shirt out of the heat. After getting intoxicated, definitely I wasn’t going home. We all went to the play ground and sat there under the shed. We had been seated there for about an hour when other people starting arriving for their daily chores from playing to walking. It was evening but I was still high.

‘Bhai ghar kab jaega?’ Sarth asked.

‘Yaar lagta nahi raat se pehele nikal paunga.’

‘Chal koi na. Aaram se nikalio.’ He said.

‘Saalo kutto tumhari wajah se mujhe yahan dhoop mein fry hona pad raha hai.’ Atul shouted.

‘Jaa na ghar bhosdi ke chutiye.’ I replied.

‘Haan to fir tumhe sambhaalega kaun?’ He replied.

‘Haan to fir shanty se yahan baith kar apni gaand sek le ,’ Sarth added.

A little while later Monu arrived too.

‘Saale bhand ho sab ke sab.’ He laughed at our condition.

About half an hour later, Deepa( Tomar ki padosan) and her friend Khushi arrived too making me recall frustration of Sabinah. I had to move on from her. She was with another guy, so I had to reciprocate the same. So I decided to go all out at the time. I know there was little or no chance of success. Even then I decided to go ahead. Perhaps vodka effect had effected my thinking. As soon as I saw them leave the ground, I called upon Atul and Monu.

‘Chal oye, jaldi!’ I said waving to them.

‘Kyun kya hua?’ Monu asked.

‘Main Deepa ko pro marne wale hun.’

‘Kya! Mazaak kar raha hai kya?’ Atul asked. By that time I had already started walking briskly towards the girls.

‘Woah! Your drunk man! You will end us and yourself getting clobbered.!’ Monu shouted as he ran upto me.

‘Nothing of that will happen. You scared? FATTU.’ I commented.

‘Okay lets go ahead.’ Atul said an we picked up speed towards the girls. As we got near to them, I turned towards the boys.

‘Yahi ruko! Main jaata hun.’  I moved quickly upto the girls, totally unfazed.

‘Excuse me! Excuse me!’ I spoke as I got into their hearing range. They turned towards me.

‘I need to speak to you for a second.’ I told Deepa.

‘Oh! Okay! Go ahead.’ She said, with a creeped out expression.

‘Look! I don’t know if it is the right way. I know you might find this odd. But I see no other way to go about it. Look I kind of find you cute, and I have a crush on you. Was just wondering would you like to try me out?’ I finished the sentences in single breath. I had no idea that I could speak so fluently even when I am intoxicated.

The poor girl looked more creeped out than ever. Couldn’t blame her.

‘Try you out? In the sense?’ She replied.

‘Well its obvios. No need to explain!’ I replied. Her friend Khushi behind her probably looked irritated at the developments. 

‘Oh! Fine. Got it,’ Deepa said.

‘Well, actually I don’t know you much. Hell I don’t even know your name. So how can I say yes?’ She said after a small pause.

‘Yeah! Appreciated! But you see I had just shifted to Gurgaon so won’t be seeing you much often. Therefore I just wanted to make my feelings known to you. Just say whatever you feel like. No problem with me.’ I replied.

‘Now you are getting shifted to Gurgaon. How can our relationship last?’ She replied anxiously.

‘I know! So just tell me what you feel like at the moment and I will just leave.’ I tried to calm her down. Probably she didn’t want to break my heart directly.

‘Okay. I don’t know you. So how can I say yes.’ She looked really confused.

‘It is okay! What if you answer me tomorrow? Will that be fine with you?’ I asked.

‘Yeah! I guess that will be good,’ She replied.

‘Okay. What time tomorrow?’ I asked.

She turned towards Khushi.

‘Hey you coming tomorrow?’

‘No. I don’t think so,’ Khushi replied with a disinterested expression.

‘Okay. I think I got your answer. Can we be friends?’ I decide to end her agony.

‘Ya! That will be just fine.’

‘Okay. I am Adish.’ I said, extending my hand.

‘I am Deepa,’ She replied shaking my hand.

‘I know!’ I replied.

‘How?’ She asked in surprise.

‘Well, I just know,’ I winked at her and left.

‘Kya hua be? Itna time laga diya? Kya bola usne?’ Monu asked as soon as I returned to them.

‘Wahi bola jo obvious tha!’ I replied.

‘Mana kar diya na?’ Atul replied.

‘Haan keh sakta hai. Par waise nahi jaise tu samajh raha hai,’ I walked back with them, narrating them the story.

……………………………………………………

‘Mom. Jaldi do lunch. Main nikal raha hun,’ I called out loud as I got ready to leave.

‘Bas ban gaya. Ye lo,’ Mom rushed towards me, handing me the lunch box.

‘Chalo fir main nikal raha hun,’ I opened the main gate and rushed away. Mom stood nearby waving at me. I waved her back and then turned away. My phone rang.

‘Haan bol Nayan,’ I spoke.

‘Kahan milega bhai?’ He asked.

‘Bhai LPS ke saamne miliyo. Ek ghante mein pohochunga,’ I replied.

‘Chal fir milte hai. Bye.’

I was on the way to my first class. And this time it was totally different. I knew I would make it this time. There was no turning back this time. No failing this time. I knew future was bright.

………………………………………………………………………………………………..........

Epilogue

Finally here I am, one year henceforth and definitely I am in a better position now. Hell lot better. I have drowned in a few pegs, and what I am conveying here is straight from my heart.

Sabinah, man what can I say about her, she is still alive kicking somewhere (Damn!). I don’t want no woman right activists on my ass, so I will be keeping well within decency limits. I had never met a vamp before, and surely I won’t want to meet one ever again. I can’t believe I had been so gullible, so blinded by my infatuation. But I wont be repeating this mistake, that I promise on my life. But she wasn’t really bad. No. It was, after all, all my mistake, wasn’t it. My bad. She was a good girl, who just followed the policy which I would like to state in hindi

‘Apna kaam bas bantaa,

Bhaad mein jaaye jantaa.’

Really, I have learned this policy from her. The more you follow it, the happier you will be. Thank you, I have learned a lot from you, and at the right time of my life.

P.S. You can’t really hide from every one by tweaking your name, okay Sabi Nah?

But she isn’t really the most hated person on my list, not by a long shot.

Kartikey, God damn, you freaking S.O.A.B. You have been the biggest back stabber I have ever come across. Well, what hurt me more was you did it the sissy way. Going on facebook, bitching about me, is that really you got? And what surprised me the most was you talking about what I deserve and what I don’t. You fucking male mammary sucking pansy, YOU are now going to decide what I deserve? Really YOU? I would laugh my pants out thinking. You spend two years in the coaching classes, studying about IIT. But look, Atul and Sarth, who barely studied CBSE, secured a better rank than you in AIEEE. If I were you, I would have died out of shame. And still YOU will decide what I deserve?

‘People who don’t deserve anything and blame it on other people should be treated like scums for the rest of their lives.’ Isn’t that what you wrote on facebook aiming at me. This is funny. You always claimed you had the juice to clear IIT, but all you had the juice was to bitch about Nayan and Milo behind their back.

Fine, perhaps I vented my anger towards the wrong people and said somethings that I shouldn’t have. I am a man enough to admit  it and face it today. But what you did, damn, perhaps I haven’t seen any girl on your bitching level.

Let’s analyze, Milo, Nayan, Mahima, Gujju, Me, Sanskriti, Sandhya, Sanya,Raveena. Anything common? They were all your friends once, and that too good ones. But they had a beef with you. Are they all so bad? Or is it that the problem lies within you. I would have respected you a hell of a lot if you had come and said those things at my face. But I always had a feeling you were one big bitch(remember you went crying to Charulata because Pant stole your lunch. Least expected from a twelth grader) and it was proved by you itself time and again.

Enough said, I have moved on from them. I would like to talk about some of my closest pals, who have stuck around through good and bad times.                                   

Nayan and Milo. They have been in every fight that I was involved in till date, from Krishna to Jayant. Milo has always been a stylish guy, the ladies man, and  a person with a really pure heart. If you are good to him, he is really good to you. But get on his bad side, well then, you know! Nayan, at first I found a bit haughty. But my perception has changed dramatically. We went through our most frustrating year, if not difficult, together. An all-rounder, he is the most intelligent guys I have come across. But unfortunately he is also among the guys with most rotten luck. He barely gets half of what he deserves. Even then, he pulls out feats which most of us couldn't with best of our luck.

Then there is Atul. He is really notorious for his gossips. But honestly, we all know he just tries to get some harmless fun by adding some spice to real incidents. Though in my case, whatever he warned me about came to be true. We have killed much of our time at momos stalls and mother dairy. He is an integral part of our group. Cheery guy, he always lightens up the atmosphere whenever he is around.

Sarth, like I told you earlier, is a serious looking guy. He is the pillar who holds our group together. Any trip or party, without Rawat just isn’t the same, like a cocktail without its alcohol. 

Nishant, who isn’t talked about much in the story, is a studious guy. Doesn’t really get into bakchodis much, except when he was called by the thullas when his I-card was found at the pahaadi (they must have thought someone murdered him and dumped him). He wasn’t much among us before we passed out of twelth grade.

Monu, poor guy is exploited due to his car. He wasn’t with us in twelth grade, him being a commerce student. Therefore he was the odd one out among us. This is just where the oddness ends. Poor guy is in love with a girl since sixth grade. I really hope he gets her. Then there is Vaibhav Sharma, or Dosti. Not much mention in the book, probably because he was a more of a 'SHAREEF' guy. Or that was what I thought untill the end of 12th when i got to know him. He was the largest guy among all the guys, and I still remember those PALAM VIHAR stories he used to recite

Last but not the least, Vinayak Pant, or just Pant. He has always been a troublemaker. Just get him drunk and you will be dealing with a raging bull. But we all know he just does it for fun.

We all have our great friends. But to me they are more than that. They are my second family. We all drink, eat, play, roam and fuck around with our friends. But I still remember the day when we were at Pant’s house, the day none of us could control our tears. That was the day I realized how much we all mean to each other. We can feel each other’s pain. No matter how much we claim that we would throw a grand bash at each other’s funeral. But inside we all know what the truth is. We all know we could not live with each other. People claim that it is only the family who will serve us in times of needs. But I have had my friends when I desperately needed them. I know I would have not made through my depression period, if it wasn’t for you all.

THANKS guys for being with me always.

And to all the guys and gals out there, we all have our shares of trials and tribulations, our share of experiences. We all want to live our life the way we want, without any one dictating us the terms. There is nothing wrong with it. But I would like you all to understand that your life is just not your life. There are always many more lives depending on yours. Sometimes we need to understand our responsibilities, and therefore sacrifice some things in life. Everywhere among youth I hear is THEIR NEEDS, THEIR DEMANDS, THEIR RIGHTS, THEIR HAPPINESS. Definitely I am among the youth too. But take a second to think about your parents. I bet they would sacrifice anything any day for their kids. That is why sometimes turns out to be our responsibility to understand them, rather than making them understand us.

And to all the aspiring IITians out there, I may not be the best person to tell you what to do for IIT, but I am definitely among the best persons to tell you what NOT to do for IIT. It is all about your attitude. Keep on fighting till the last day. Sometimes there will be time when you want to just give up and lay flat on your face. That is the time when you need your will power to be the strongest. Just keep fighting with a mindset that you can make it. Road to IIT is no cake walk and I agree to it. But hey, the ones who clear it are also humans. And believe me guys, when a person like me can secure a JEE rank, anybody can. In the end I would like to quote few of the best lines by my favorite artist.

‘You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you own it, you better never let it go,

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, coz opportunity comes

ONCE IN A LIFETIME’

………………..THE END………………..